Coming Attractions

I've decided to add a weekly feature entitled "Mental Illness Monday."

Each week it w/b up to you to decipher the mental problem or problems being discussed in the Mental Illness Monday post.

I'll be using my friends? from the train to portray the problem.

Linking Me Linking You

If you've been kind enough to list me on your blog roll and I haven't listed you on mine, speak now or forever hold your peace (send me an email or post a comment).

With the Second Coming of this blog, I fear I'm missing a few folks.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read the fruits of my labor.

Best,

Marty

Untraceable- Movie Review

Jennifer (the gf, for the new readers) and I went to the cinema today (Sunday). We saw a film called Untraceable.

Part of the appeal of this cinema for me was that it was only $6.50 per person (3.25 quid, 4.50 euros- ty European readers) before 5pm.

I knew it had something to do w/computers and a killer of some sort. Not your usual chick flick.

It proved to be fairly predictable, at least for Jennifer. I am not nearly that intelligent.

I was entertained and enjoyed the film very much. When we were exiting the cinema, and in front of some of the other viewers, I said to Jennifer "I thought you said this was a comedy." Everyone laughed, me the most as usual.

The film itself is somewhat gory and not for the squeamish. But if you accept it for what it is, I think you'll be entertained.

Cinemarty gives it a 7 out of 10. So, if you feel like seeing a film but don't know just what, this isn't a bad choice.

The People on the Train

After you take a train enough times you start to recognize certain people who take the train with you.

1. The Fat Lady- I would guess every stop has one. She would be the biggest woman on the platform or in the train car. The lady by my train must be about 5 foot 8 or so. I don't know how much she weighs. As I've never spoken to her before, I suppose it would be rude to walk up to her and ask her how much she weighs. That's probably not a very good icebreaker. I would probably need to strike up a few conversations before I could pop the question.

2. The Cigar Pacifier- You ever notice how certain guys need to always have a cigar in their mouth whether lit or unlit. The guy by me just looks foolish. He's not clean shaven and has a basketball gut. I've never said a word to him so it's probably not a good idea to initiate a conversation with "Don't you ever take that fuckin cigar out of your mouth?" I need to work up to that. I wonder if I took pencils and stuck them in my ears and walked around the platform, he would recognize me as a kindred spirit. Maybe if I stuck them in my nostrils? No, I'm not going to shove them up my ass. That would be foolish.

3. Lady Daze- There's a pretty blonde woman that waits by my train. She has big hair and dresses rather plain. I suspect she may be a nurse or some sort of health care professional. She always seems to saunter along as if she's in some sort of fog. I think she has a ring so she's probably spoken for. Maybe she's unhappy or medicated or both? Once again, I've never spoken to her. It would be a bit pretentious of me to ask her why she always looks dazed and confused. I need to bond with her first. The confused part I got that nailed already. Now, I just need to look dazed.

I'll be introducing more of the people on my train as the weeks progress. And who know...I may make some new friends.

I Smell Like Derek Jeter

Every now and then I buy cologne. It's not that I need it. I have some cologne bottles for years. It's just that I get bored with a fragrance.

One of my friends sells Avon. Avon was selling Derek Jeter cologne for a relatively inexpensive price. Derek Jeter is a talented shortstop for the New York Yankees. I bought it w/o smelling it. Now I'm trying to figure out my motivation.

Did I expect that if I made this purchase, I would smell like Derek Jeter? Did I feel that once wearing this cologne my life would become as successful as that of Derek Jeter? Maybe, I can identify w/the tax problem he's having w/the State of New York? I don't know.

I wonder what other celebrities should have cologne. I know Britney has a perfume. I'm not sure why anyone would buy it. Certainly, you wouldn't want to emulate her life.

I wonder if George Clooney has a cologne? Brad Pitt?

Maybe, it's just the B list celebrity that needs a cologne.

Perhaps, I should market my own cologne? I think I'll call it "Pestilence." Eau de Marty would be too pretentious. I can even write the copy: "For those moments when you need to smell like a Certified Public Acccountant, there's Pestilence."

It really doesn't matter how it smells. I just need a fancy bottle formed in a peculiar shape. People pay for the bottle.

So, who's ready for a splash of Pestilence?

Blast from My Past

I recently read about my school, the Yeshivah of Flatbush in the newspaper.
A Yeshivah, for those of you not of the Jewish persuasion, is like Catholic school only for Jews.

I attended the Yeshivah of Flatbush from 1st grade through 12th grade. After that, I went straight into college and therapy (that was a joke). When I attended my 25th Alumni reunion, I was asked to compose a few paragraphs about memories of my school. I started off the piece "I have many memories of the Yeshivah of Flatbush. 25 years of therapy haven't been able to erase them." Based upon the reaction of some of my fellow alumni, I wondered how many took that seriously.

Apparently, an alumnus was precluded from bringing his companion to his Alumni reunion in the last few months. This has led to newspaper coverage.

I'm not an observant Jew or even a normal one for that matter but that stuff sort of falls into the who cares realm for me. I think it's wrong to preclude his guest/companion. Presumably, they would be discreet and not create Harvey Fierstein moments at the reunion.

Live and let live.

Pimp My Blog Roll?

Janet from "The Art of Getting By"
has posed the question as to which blogs are worth adding to her blog roll.

Frankly, I think any of those that appear in my blog roll are worthy of being added.

I do want to single out "The Dutch Files".
The Dutch Files is written by a funny (not as in peculiar) lady near Amsterdam who I've had the privilege of meeting in person in Amsterdam. She also designed my blog page (despite my interference).

Having a meal with me in a restaurant alone would be enough to merit a special mention (or a munificent sum) but being kind enough to design my blog as well, puts the Dutch Files to the head of the class.

I highly endorse adding it to your blog roll.

Rip Van Marty or Marty Van Winkle

Wha happened? Yesterday at work in the accounting firm, I was talking to the office manager. She told me these 2 girls left the firm. One left in July and one left the end of December.

She expressed surprise that I didn't know about the girl who left in July.

I think, besides my own stupidity, the problem was the girl who left in July frequently worked from home. Since I didn't interact with her very much, if I didn't see her in the office, I just assumed she was working from home.

Also, no one ever took down the sign with her name on it by her cubicle. I have a collection of signs of people who left. I also save their business cards. Basically, I do this as an economy measure for the firm. So, if anyone with the same name is hired, the sign and cards can be recycled.

This got me to thinking about the working from home concept. Are people more productive at home? For me, it means working in my pajamas till the afternoon or later. Why bother to get dressed? Nobody sees me or can smell me. That's the good thing about the web. If you're not visible on a webcam, you can look like crap and smell like a raw sewerage treatment plant and negotiate multi-million dollar transactions online from the comforts of home.

Maybe Donald Trump can have a new program where everyone works in their pajamas? "Home Apprentice?" Ivanka in pajamas? Why hasn't someone thought of that before?

"Quick question"

I'm getting a little tired of all these people who precede every question with the words "quick question."

Frankly, when I hear the words quick question, I realize it's going to be a problem.

Firstly, it's not a quick question for me. It's a quick question for you. Were I to reciprocate, it w/b "quick answer, no." That would probably nip most of those in the bud.

Secondly, if it's a quick question, it implies that the question is easy to answer. If it's so easy to answer, why do you have to ask me? Why don't you know the answer yourself?

Thirdly, a quick question implies that you are in a rush. I'm not in a rush. I couldn't care less about your sense of urgency. The fact of the matter is if I give you an incorrect answer, it's still my neck that is on the line despite YOUR urgency.

So, don't precede any query to me with the words "quick question." If you do, I will take my copy of the Sunday New York Times into the bathroom and spend the day reading.

The Weather

I just heard on tv that they are predicting an asteroid hitting Brooklyn in another hour or if the weather pattern changes, it just might be light drizzle.

Frankly, I find the weather report to always be a little disconcerting because I can't plan properly for it. Like now, I don't know whether to prepare my Last Will and Testament or make sure I have a working umbrella.

Why do we give meteorologists such latitude (There might be a pun in there but it's way too sophisticated for my pedestrian tastes)? With all the specialized equipment we have today, why can't they get it right almost every time?

What if we gave every profession such latitude? Well we might have to amputate your leg or you can apply some hydrogen peroxide to clear the problem up. As the Judge in this case, I find the defendant guilty of loitering, you can either accept the death penalty or pay a $100 fine. Today, I find myself running for President, I plan on launching an invasion to root out weapons of mass destruction and if we can't find them we'll just topple the government there. Hmmm....wait did that happen?

So, maybe if everyone had more latitude in their jobs, this would remove the stress that people are under to be correct all the time.

It sure would make it easier for me. It's tough being a paragon of excellence.

What Does the Queen of England do all day?

Mel Brooks once said "It's good to be the King." Bearing that in mind, I was just curious what the Queen does all day long.

What time does she get up? Is she an early-riser or does she stay up late watching odd channels on tv calling in anonymously for phone competitions.

What does she eat for breakfast? Are there Royal Corn Flakes? Does the Queen go to the bathroom on her own or are there assistants that take her there and wipe for her?

Now, it's mid-morning, does she watch the Jeremy Kyle Show (a UK version of Jerry Springer)? Is she online surfing the web? emailing people? Does she get spam too?

Does she make crank calls to ministers throughout the day?

Now I know her husband, Prince Phillip farts a lot. That would mean, the ventilation system in the palace must be working properly at all times.

I'm wondering if the Queen's even been on the Tube? Does she have an Oyster card?
I bet someone else has to mind the gap for her.

Does the Queen ever call up for Indian takeaway? Which place does she call? Is she a good tipper? I wouldn't want to be around Phillip after a curry.

Does she nap in the afternoon? I think she's about 85.

What radio stations does the Queen listen to? Virgin Radio? Who is her favourite presenter (DJ)?

And what about her grandkids, William and Harry? William seems more normal but Harry seems like he'd be a lot of fun. Food fight in the Palace! Ok, maybe not.

I wonder if the Queen has a blog. Do you think she reads my blog regularly?

So many questions, so few answers.

Feeling Not So Hot Hot Hot!- Video Post

Stomach Virus

I've been ill the last 2 days and this has sapped me of strength. I slept so much yesterday. My guess is it made up for years of inadequate sleep.

Today, I slept from about 9-11am and then again from 2-4pm.

It would be wrong of me to deprive you of the details of my illness as that is what the loyal reader looks forward to. Suffice it to say, I needed to be in close proximity to the bathroom. Toiletpaperworld.com may be receiving a new order soon.

My appetite hasn't been what it s/b for me. But that returned somewhat today. I've been drinking ginger tea which I understand is good for stomach distress. It's worked and I really don't mind the taste.

Hopefully, I w/b better tomorrow. I'm off to shower or rather be hosed down now.

The Beginning of Tax Season

We're starting to begin tax season and I have to say I'm not looking forward to it.

I just rec'd a lengthy email from a client detailing their annual tale of woe. Some people will never get their shit together. And it's not like I can increase their fee signnificantly.

I'm also trying to get done w/the relatives early because I don't enjoy working with them. They treat me like a servant and never invite me to any of their events. Frankly, I've never even met some of them (3rd cousins). Not only that, they are quite demanding yet they've never referred a client to me. As my client roster grows on the basis of referrals, it's particularly disturbing that your own family never helps you out.

Frankly, I'm thinking of chucking the tax practice and getting a 9-5 government job. A government job comes w/benefits and the knowledge that once I'm in the house, I can truly relax. That is the American dream for me now.

Twilight Zone 2008

I'm still very much obsessed by the quality of the Twilight Zone broadcasts. So much so, that I think I've stepped in to the zone.

The other morning, I was going down the stairs leading to the unfinished basement in my house and there was a white toy soldier on the stairs. I have no idea how it got there. I don't know where it came from. It was simply lying on one of the steps.

I'm now starting to wonder if it's a space alien. They come in all shapes and sizes you know. I wonder if it's been stationed in my basement to overtake the earth. They could think I'm an important person on earth. Should I torch my basement to try and kill it? And what if that doesn't work? It would still be downstairs sitting in the burnt out shell of my basement smiling at me.

I don't think it's tried to communicate with me as yet. Of course, I have enough problems distinguishing all the voices in my head already. Take a number, space alien.

Perhaps, it wants to get into show business, recognizing my prodigious acting talent (who is delusional?). We could form a duo "Me and My Alien." Maybe we can go on tour, playing colleges, Branson Missouri, Vegas, and maybe even Broadway.

If it's not a space alien, maybe it is a soldier that comes to life while I'm asleep in order to watch over the house. It could've been sent by the CIA. But why my basement?

I know we have lots of crap in the basement. I think EBAY could do a remote show from there if they truly wanted. Perhaps, all the crap down there could serve for cover in case of an invasion.

Maybe it has something to do with nuclear fallout? Maybe a soldier was accidentally shrunk down due to exposure to nuclear weapons. My basement is the perfect place to hide. It is nondescript and only idiots venture down there.

I'm really not sure what to think.

Virgin Radio

My 5 year plus obsession with listening to Virgin Radio continues unablated.

But I'm starting to feel for the DJs or presenters (as they are referred to in England).

SMG the owner of the station has put the station on the block putting it up for sale or taking it public.

As with any business, if it is sold or goes public w/new ownership, who knows what changes w/b made at the station. Presently, it plays a mix of alternative and classic tracks. But that could change to the Rihanna, umbrella, ella, ella crap station.

I pretty much know all the presenters as I email and listen so often. They know me too. Occasionally, they mention "marty from new yawk" on air but it's past the point
of novelty for me. At this point, I enjoy helping out. If I know someone is out sick frequently that info is not passed along to all the intervening DJs. I make sure the info gets out. I'm not paid or compensated in any way. I just feel it's my way of reciprocating for allowing me to listen online to therir broadcasts.

If you listen to Virgin Radio, email the station and mention "marty from new yawk." I can't guarantee a reply but if you do get one it s/b interesting.

Taking Advantage

I am employed by an accounting firm which has several well-known clients in the entertainment field. In addition, I'm a sometime actor/writer.

Recently, I represented the firm before the IRS handling the audit of a well-known film director. I've spoken to him and his wife a number of times. I even introduced myself to him once when we both were at a film screening as we had never met in person.

Presently, I am representing a well-known writer before the IRS.

I've debated telling them of my "side job." Being cast in the director's film w/b a tremendous addition to my acting resume or cv. Talking to the writer about the one-act plays I wrote would also be helpful. Who knows maybe we could write something together?

Should I tell them about my non-accounting firm activities? What would you do?

Who Am I Endorsing for President?

I don't know who to endorse because I don't know their preferences in toilet paper.

As someone who has www.toiletpaperworld.com as one of his favorite websites, this is an important factor in whom I will support in the two-ply party system.

I want to know the candidates toilet paper platforms. Do they fold it over or under?

You learn a lot about a person by the toilet paper he or she keeps. Personally, I'm a Charmin Ultra person and am looking for a candidate with similar views. Even, if it means crossing potty lines, I'm willing to do so.

You might say I'm being frivolous about the tissues but they mean a great deal to me.
I won't support a candidate unfamiliar with the tissues.

Can someone help me clean things up here?

Happy New Year from the Twilight Zone

Jennifer and I spent a lovely New Years with a Chinese dinner and a Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci Fi cable channel.

We both happen to be fans of the Twilight Zone. Each of us have special episodes that have stuck in our heads for one reason or another.

For me, it has always been the one where the mannequin comes to life and spends time as a human in the dept. store. That one never fails to scare the crap out of me.I also enjoy "To Serve Man" where aliens come to the world allegedly to help mankind.
Also, the one where everyone in the world looks like Shelly Berman is quite nice. And finally, who doesn't enjoy a dummy or doll that comes to life and injures or kills people?

Personally, I am struck by the depth of Rod Serling's writing and the performances. There were many famous actors on this program. I also note how the episodes are a testament to the time of the late 50s early 60s with many episodes concerned with nuclear war and space aliens.

Jennifer and I were talking about a Twilight Zone episode for the times we live in. Inasmuch as we were in Atlantic City, we came up with an idea for an episode where slot machines come to life and egg on people to play them. The result is the people lose their money w/no recourse as who would believe a slot machine talked to them. For good measure we might make one or all of the slot machines to be space aliens. It's still a work in progress but clearly we've had lots of Rod Serling inspiration over the last two days.

What's your fav episode? Any Twilight Zone experiences to relate?