Jennifer Lopez had twins

Congratulations to Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez on the birth of their twins, a boy and a girl.

I understand the children weighed about 6 pounds each, 5 pounds ass, 1 pound the rest of the body.

So, who do you think the kids look like?

More People on the Train

About a month ago, I introduced you to the Fat Lady, Cigar Pacifier and Lady Daze.

Another person I meet on the train is Rabbi Pipe. Rabbi Pipe is an Orthodox (as opposed to an unorthodox) Jew. His one distinguishing trait is that he is always smoking a pipe on the train platform. As I don't have much of an appreciation for pipe smoke, I try to make sure I'm as far away from him as possible.

I suppose if he really annoys me, I can ask the Fat Lady to sit on him until the train arrives. This may prove difficult as I've never spoken to the Fat Lady. It would be a little pretensious of me to walk up to her and ask her to sit on top of another passenger without a proper introduction.

I can't ask Cigar Pacifier for any help because he also has the tobacco issue.

As Lady Daze is already in a fog, she probably doesn't even notice.

Conclusion: I need to make friends with the Fat Lady.

How do I break the ice? "Do you think you could smother a human being to death with your enormous ass?"

Perhaps, I need to be more subtle.

Am I going through Menopause?

I've started to become annoyed eating dark chocolate which is 80% cocoa, chianti wine, and chocolate chip cookies. So, I'm switching off these for awhile.

I don't think it's depression because I still enjoy eating sardines every day.

I'm also finding a lot of food I eat to be bland and in need of more spice.

I'm wondering if it's a good idea to put chili peppers in my corn flakes instead of bananas. Can there be any adverse effect?

I've also started wondering if there is Szechuan style peanut butter.

I wonder if they make curry flavored oatmeal.

What do you do to add more spice to your bland existence?

Postage Stamps Will Be 42 cents

On May 12, my friends at the US Post Office will be charging 42 cents for a first class stamp, up from 41 cents.

I'm hoping the extra penny will provide adequate funding to compensate the postal counterpersons for the extra effort involved in affixing the customs form to international priority mail. There might even be some left over funding to affix the certified mail form as well, but we can't be sure.

I think these "forever stamps" are a scam. Sure they are designed to protect from futher rate increases. But what happens if the Postal Service decides to decrease the price of a first class postage stamp and increase the price for a second ounce? Not impossible. And who would you complain to? Write a letter? I don't think so.

The Sanctuary

Jennifer and I were riding the roads of New Jersey and came upon an apparent housing development called "The Sanctuary."

I saw this and found it amusing and remarked to Jennifer that perhaps only dead people lived there. Then it dawned on me that someone would have to pay rent or maintenance costs. Last I checked dead people were incapable of that function.

Or maybe, there is some religious connection. Maybe it's a retirement community for members of the clergy. The clubhouse would be quite unique and presumably nondenominational.

The last possibility was that it's an offshoot of The Addams Family with a Lerch-like character as the manager. "Welcome to the Sanctuary, Marty" he would bellow.

It's all too strange for me. I don't care if every appliance is made of gold, I'm not living in a place called The Sanctuary. It would freak me out.

The Garden State Parkway Raceway

As Jennifer is a citizen of New Jersey, I frequently find myself on the Garden State
Parkway.

The posted speed limit for the part of the parkway that I drive on is for the most part 65 miles per hour.

I drive a 1990 Toyota Camry which at this point has 123,000 miles on it. It's a wonderful car but I've learnt to live without certain amenities like interior lights, a working interior door handle on the driver's side, and a missing hub cap.

The drivers in New Jersey think nothing of passing me at speeds ranging from 80 and above. Personally, I feel anything above 75 on the Toyota is liable to break the sound barrier.

I've gotten used to the ride and coming to the conclusion that the further south you go, the less food choices you have in the service areas. It's not like in the northern part of Jersey there is gourmet fare, but your choices decline appreciably to basically a Burger King in the Atlantic City service area.

I'm thinking of getting a racing helmet and painting my car to reflect a sponsor.

Would anybody like to sponsor me on my races on the Garden State? Maybe I can run into (not in my car) that Danika lady?

Why does anyone require a 5 pound Hershey Bar?

Some guy in my office was given a 5 pound Hershey Bar as a gift.

My question is this: Why does anyone need a 5 pound bar of chocolate? Once opened, it tastes like crap. I'm pretty sure there aren't people who can eat a 5 pound bar of chocolate in one sitting.

Perhaps, it's not for eating. I'm sure it would make a fine paper weight. Also, it does look amusing carrying it around cause it is so huge.

Maybe, it can be used as a weapon? Whenever I travel on the subway, I always carry a 5 pound bar of chocolate for protection. Of course, it's possible to be mugged by a diabetic but probably unlikely.

I wonder why the Hershey people sell it. How do they promote it?

What would you do with a 5 pound Hershey bar?

Identity Theft for Dummies

Jennifer and I were talking about identity theft. I mentioned to Jennifer why would anybody want to steal my identity? Why would anybody want to be me?

So, if someone steals my identity, this must mean they show up to my job dressed as me? They must be pretty talented if they can dress up and look like me. Then they have to convince the people in my accounting office that they are in fact me. That would make them a Marty impersonator. There are plenty of Elvis impersonators so why shouldn't I have one impersonator /Isn't it a fact that eveyone has one person in the world who can impersonate them?

But what do I do once someone steals my identity? Do I succeed to the thief's identity? Do I become them?

So that must mean that I now have to impersonate the thief? And if I don't do it well enough and get caught, that means I can get arrested for identity theft.

It's all becoming clear to me now.

A Day at the Post Office- Attention Postmaster Manhattan

The Main Post Office in Manhattan is located on 8th Avenue between West 31st Street and West 34th St. It is a massive building and is open 24/7.

However there are a couple of really stupid things that go on there.

1. The information window doesn't open till 4pm

Presumably, the Postmaster of the Manhattan District doesn't think that anyone will have any questions till 4pm. This is IDIOTIC. How in G-d's name can you be so fuckin stupid as to not open an information window till 4pm in the afternoon? This is what passes for acceptable treatment of postal patrons in Manhattan.

2. When you bring a Priority Mail letter going abroad, you have to stick on the post office custom form yourself.

I just learnt this yeaterday. The woman wouldn't attach the one fuckin form to the envelope. Instead she reveled in sitting there while I struggled to attach the form (I'm unfamiliar with how to attach the form and secondly I'm not technically proficient). She could have just done it for me, if she was a civilized human being and not a postal employee with a cushy job who can't be fired.

I later complained to another employee and he told me to write the Postmaster. Well, Postmaster, Manhattan here is the writing. Now everybody, searching can read about how the Main Post Office in Manhattan treats the public.

Let's see if you have the balls to reply.

I plan on making public regularly the way the public is mistreated in that building. Maybe you should write me a letter if you're unhappy.