Gefilte Fish

My friend Jeanette of The Other Vic Theatre Company 2 has an aversion to gefilte fish.

For those of you who are not familiar, gefilte fish is not really a type of fish. It is a fish product of some sort enjoyed principally by Jewish people.

Basically, it is an amalgam of several different varieties of fish (whitefish, pike and others unknown to me). The fish is all lumped together and made into an oblong of some sort. It is then stuffed inside a glass bottle along with some sort of gross gelatin like substance. No one normal eats the gelatin substance.

Personally, I enjoy gefilte fish.

However, if we approach this rationally or irrationally, this should be something your child could make. Just let them take clumps of fish, mush it together and make it into a kind of ball. I think it w/b good for children in kindergarten to make in arts and crafts, bring home, and watch a parent eat it. Unfortunately, we never did this in Yeshivah surprisingly enough.

I haven't researched this but I'm wondering if there's a gefilte fish fan club of some sort.

Seeing as Jeanette has a birthday coming up, I know just what to get her.

Don't Take Up Multiple Seats on the LIRR

Today I got on the Long Island Railroad for my trip into Manhattan. This girl was taking up three seats. Not two but three.

It's not that she was a lardass. My apologies to all lardasses.

She was just inconsiderate and needed to put her white gloves on a third seat. Utilizing the window and middle seat wasn't enough. So, I asked her to remove her gloves so I could sit. This distrurbed this princess.

So she got back at me. The train takes awhile before it reaches Penn Station. So, while it was still in the tunnel, she says excuse me to me which forces me to get up so princess can pass.

I sat down again and continued reading for at least another 5 minutes while princess stood in the aisle with the rest of the shmucks who need to be the first ones off the train.

I left the train leisurely as I normally do.

Do I enjoy my ride or what?

To Smell Or Not to Smell?

As most of you know, I'm an accountant. I work at a firm in new yawk.

One of the perks of my job is not having to worry about good personal hygiene. There's no mention of it in the employee manual. So, if I want to wear the same underwear for several weeks at a time, that's not a problem.

In this vein, the office does NOT engage a cleaning service. If good personal hygiene is unimportant to you, why bother?

This leads me to the mens' room where the concept of a disinfectant seems alien. Some of these guys might not be the best accountants because there talent lies in other areas. Unfortunately, there are no jobs (at least that I'm aware) that compensate for these talents.

When you can set off a sprinkler system without the benefit of a match, that says something to me.

Some of these guys need to be precluded from eating certain foods during office hours. I guess that w/b true if people cared about good personal hygiene. But, if you don't.....

As my rise to the top in the accounting profession has been stultified, I'm wondering if I'm not disgusting enough. I wonder if there is a continuing professional education "Good Personal Hygiene for Accountants- Myth and Reality."

Clearly, I need to be more disgusting. How can I be more disgusting in my office and show my boss that I'm ready to move to the next level?

Any help is greatly appreciated

What I'm Doing

I'm presently scheduled to appear and do several comedic things at a private party at a restaurant scheduled for April 8. I'm even getting paid. At work, I get paid much more to be an idiot.

So, I'm looking forward to a night off from tax season and entertaining a group of people. Hopefully, by the time I go on, they will have imbibed quite a bit.

As it is a surprise, I've omitted pertinent details of time/place.

More People on the Train

So far I've discussed, The Fat Lady, Cigar Pacifier, Lady Daze, Rabbi Pipe, and the Dork. To this I need to add The Ponytail.

I don't know how old this guy is, perhaps a relic from the 60s. I see him talking to Rabbi Pipe quite often. I'm not sure what they have in common.

I see the Ponytail as someone who never left the 60s. He's transfixed or stuck in time. I myself was stuck in the 70s before I shaved off my stache.

I suppose his home has posters all over the walls and lots of black light. He has rolling paper on the kitchen table and some "good shit" hidden away for special occasions. When you ring the doorbell, the song In A Gadda Da Vida starts playing. His outgoing message features White Rabbit.

My guess is he works fo a non-profit, perhaps one that assists relics frm the 60s who have fallen on hard times.

Of course, I've never spoken to him. I see my role on the train as an observer reporting to you on the doings of a small community of people sharing a common goal... getting to work.

Barack & The Rock

Within my life I have probably watched way too much professional wrestling. The damaging effects of excessive viewing are evident to all who read this blog.

Nonetheless, I am struck by one thing during this Presidential Election season, Barack Obama's speeches remind me very much of the promos The Rock used to do before his big matches.

In fact, I keep waiting for Barack to end his speech by raising one eyebrow and announcing to the crowd: "If you smell ell ell ell, what Ba Rack is cooking."

Is it just me?

Green Bagels

Firstly, Happy St. Patrick's Day to all who celebrate.

I'm ok w/everyone dressing up in green and serving naturally green food.

But lay off bagels. Bagels aren't naturally green unless they've sat around unattended for a very long time.

Jewish folk have nothing to do with St. Patrick's Day. I'm not sure why our food needs to be compromised.

So, tomorrow when you see a green bagel being sold in your local store, go up to the manager of the store, point to the green bagel, look at him/her and say "no."

Tax Season

I've been very busy with doing people's taxes so really haven't had time to focus and/or write.

I did notice Elliott Spitzer made a few headlines.

I'm glad he's resigned if only for the fact that in New York State, effective Monday, we have the blind leading the blind.

All hail our new Governor, David Patterson!

Don't Wear Perfume/Cologne to the Gym

The other day I was doing laps on the track in my gym. And no,the Guinness people were not there to record any records being set.

Lo and behold (I promise to use that phrase more often), every time I passed this woman working out, I would get a lung-full of perfume.

Why do people wear perfume/cologne to the gym? You're supposed to sweat and stink.

I learnt this at the Yeshivah of Flatbush. Class for us used to start at 8am, gym was often times 4pm or 4:45pm. As high school students, some of my peers were deodorantly-challenged. In fact, I once described one of my peers as smelling like an oil refinery and I was being polite. So, if you didn't smell good at 8am by 4pm you positively stunk to high hell. And then if you ran around a bit in gym class....
Well, let's put it this way, the stench in the gym locker room after class was so bad that I learnt how to get dressed in 5 minutes flat. I did that for self-preservation as I was afraid I would pass out from the stench. That's a cruel way to go.

Bottom line, do not wear perfume/cologne to the gym when you go to work out. You miss the point.

Still More People on the Train

Another person who I see periodically on the train platform is The Dork. He is dressed very conservatively, wears his balding hairline slicked back and has a silly walk.

Of course, I never speak with him. I just laugh silently to myself as he walks down the platform to wait for the first car of the train. Sometimes I wonder where he works. Who employs the Dork? Did he answer a classified advertisement for a dork? Maybe he's self-employed? But what does he do? Perhaps he trains people to be dorks? Is there a demand for dorks?

I also wonder if he's married. Is his wife a Dorkette? Do they have any little Dorklings? Maybe he's just dating. Perhaps he has an ad on dorkdate.com? If a Dork marries a non-Dork that could be sacreligious. Their kids would most likely need therapy and/or rehab.

What do Dorks do in their leisure time? Maintain blogs, Marty. Hey, who wrote that? I didn't write that I swear. I think a space alien edited my post. Sorry. I wonder what hobbies dorks have? Stamp collecting, Star Trek conventions, surfing the web 24/7.

And what movies, tv shows do dorks enjoy? Leave It to Beaver marathons? Andy Griffith Show marathons? Revenge of the Nerds all 400 sequels.

I wish I could interview the Dork for a newspaper or an online magazine. Maybe I could even have a tv show where I interview dorks regularly, "Inside the Dork's Studio." I can have plenty of dorks or aspiring dorks sitting in the audience.

Dorks seem to be a group that advertisers are not marketing to properly. I think many dorks do quite well and have lots of disposable income. I haven't done any studies to back this up. I suppose, it's a little hard to call someone and ask them if they are in fact a dork. My guess is few people would admit to it.

Are you a dork? Any help w/b appreciated.

Rehab- with apologies to Amy Winehouse

Years ago when I was just a mere lad, people went into rehab for drugs and alcohol problems. In fact, the creation of the Betty Ford Clinic probably was probably the greatest legacy of the Gerald Ford administration.

Nowadays, people go into rehab for just about anything.

Use the n word to a black person, time for rehab.

Debase a homosexual with less than flattering verbiage, time for rehab.

Cheat on your income tax, clearly time for rehab (I made this one up given the time of the year).

I think people who fart on public transit systems need rehab. But just what form would rehab take for these people? Is there a 12 step program for people who fart on publc transit? Maybe like smokers, there are patches they can wear to relieve their need to fart.

Rehab is clearly a growth industry and with the economy being what it is, I think I have found a profit-making endeavor, a rehab facility franchise. McRehab? Rehab R Us?

Who's with me?