Whooping Cranes

No, this isn't about an endangered species (or endangered feces- I'm having a Roseann Roseannadanna flashback).

I'm referring to when the cranes fall in Manhattan and people go whoops!

There is an easy solution to this problem.

The subprime mortgage crisis and foreclosurefest needs to arrive in Manhattan. This will result in less construction and less chances for the ordinary citizen or foreigner buying up Manhattan real estate to get hit up side the head by a crane.

Our leaders here in new yawk have failed us.

We need a housing crisis here and we need it now!

The Joy of CPE

In order to keep my license as a certified public accountant, I am required to complete a certain number of hours of continuing professional education.

Today was my day for that.

Among the highlights, the seminar leader asked us to turn off our cellphones and put them on vibrator. I know what she was thinking.

I sat next to the belcher. Some pretty neat "internal" belches were going on.

I took enough hotel pens and pads that I can now stock my own hotel with the same name.

The lunch included with the seminar was awful. I only partially ate the chicken cause it tasted like I was chewing on the seminar binder. Memo to Marty, claim to be a vegetarian next time so you get salmon.

Traffic on the highways was terrible. I don't understand why the cash lane moved quicker than the ez pass lanes. It is part of the incompetence of the NYC Dept of Transportation which still forces the ez pass customers to stop at a gate and wait for a green light as opposed to driving through and the toll registering automatically.

Finally, I made it through most of the day without falling asleep and I did manage to complete another few pages of my script.

Fertlizer Shortage

I read in the Wall Street Journal about a fertlizer shortage.

This kinda doesn't make sense to me.

I don't know about you but the changes in the economy do not affect the amount of times I take a crap.

Coincidentally, I don't think animals crap any less.

So, all this talk about a fertilizer shortage must be bullshit.

Recount- Review

HBO has a tv film about the 2000 presidential election in Florida.

It was on last night and on tonight as well.

If you're a Republican watch something else. If you're a Democrat keep reading and make a choice (not on a dimpled chat).

It seems to me that the whole issue has been dumbed down to the point that I was watching caricatures. James Baker is one step away from being Ebeneezer Scrooge, Warren Christopher is in a different world and Katherine Harris is a brainless idiot. Of course, the character Keven Spacey is playing is noble (I had no idea who this character was).

I don't know what the truth was about the whole affair in Florida. To me the whole thing always smelled bad. This film is consistent with that position. I just think it may be a bit too partisan.

If you've got something else to do tonight or you see it in the tv listings, perhaps there's a reality show on opposite.

Consumer Marty gives it a 5.

Willie Randolph- Manager of the New York Mets

Willie and I are both from Brooklyn so we look out for our own.

The NY Mets (baseball team) have played less than enthusiastically for the last several months of the 2007 baseball season into the current 2008 season.

The problem is not Willie. It is the players and the General Manager, Omar Minaya.

It might not be politically correct to say it but the Mets have become a Latin American player old age home. Latin American players past their prime have been acquired continuously, Pedro Martinez, Carlos Delgado, Luis Castillo, Orlando Hernandez, Moises Alou and who could forget 99 yr old Julio Franco coming to bat in a motorized wheelchair.

So many of these players are injured or not performing as they had in the past that Willie has had to piece together a line-up of bench players just to place a team on the field.

This ignores the usual slumps that players like Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes and David Wright have. If the slumps were the only problem, there w/b light at the end of the tunnel. But there isn't because of all the poor acquisitions enumerated above.

If anybody deserves to be fired, Omar does.

I don't think any manager could do a better job with what he's got to work with.

Hopefully the Wilpons will catch on.

Yabba Dabba Bidet Doo

Once I stayed at a lovely hotel, the Nikko Hotel in London. It's a Japanese oriented hotel situated in the Marble Arch area of London.

So, I get into the room and check out the bathroom. I notice two toilet bowls. As someone of lower middle class values, I find this perplexing, which one do I use?
It took me a solid 5 minutes to realize that one was a bidet (pronunciation: buh day).

Apparently a bidet is a device where you can have a spray of water shot up your ass.
I'm not sure why this is necessary. I've been around all these years and never had the need or the desire to have water shot up my ass. Frankly, if I did have the desire, I would simply connect the garden hose, turn on the water, and station the hose appropriately.

I did find something on the web which details the use of a bidet.Have you ever used a bidet? Why? Do you otherwise enjoy water, or any other beverages for that matter, shot up your ass?

Virgin Radio Classic Rock

Another station which I listen to is Virgin Radio Classic Rock. They play some serious kick-ass rock round the clock. There are DJs from 10am-10pm daily and otherwise it's just the best music on the planet.

If you do listen and email tell them Marty sent you. They all know me.

Beating the Odds?- Scratch-off Lottery Tickets

Every now and then I get the desire to play an instant lottery game or a scratch-off game.

The way I do this is I ask the vendor which is the latst scratch-off game. Armed w/that knowledge, I then purchase multiple quantities of the ticket.

The rationale for the latest scratch-off game is because I feel there are more prizes available. I take multiple quantities because it's likely you'll get some sort of a win out of 10 tickets rather than out of 2.

It's not foolproof because I still have my day job.

But if you do win, do save those losing scratch-off tickets for tax purposes.

Truck with 14 tons of Oreos Overturns

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24707718/

Even though the story suggests that the truck driver fell asleep, I think there is something more going on here.

As I alluded to in my prior post, I think that fat people may be organizing resistance groups like the Fat Liberation Front.

I think this may be the first act of fat people rebelling against a society that debases them left and right.

Who else would want to hijack a truck with 14 tons of Oreos? Fat people. They were probably going to put them in storage (for at least a day or two).

Guard your snack foods with your life!

Earrings on the LIRR

I was on the train tonight and noticed that the conductor was wearing earrings. Not just one in one ear but one in each ear. He was symmetrical. I didn't mean to imply anything about his sexuality.

I'm just curious and wondering if it works like this:

In the first car he wears earrings. In the second car he wears a blonde wig and earrings. In the third car he puts on make-up along with the blonde wig and earrings, etc. So by the time he reaches the end of the train, he looks like Carol Channing, and is belting out "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend."

I need to ask the LIRR if that's the case. What do you think?

Obesity and Global Warming

I've used this blog to rail about fat people. In most instances I've been right. But this time I have to stick up for fat folk.

An article I read suggested that fat people were contributing to global warming cause it took more energy to sustain them. I don't know about that? Al Gore's packed on a few pounds over the years and he got the Nobel Prize for his global warming endeavors.

If this is really the case then let's scrap the alternative minimum tax and institute the Alternative Fat Tax. This would enable the IRS to visit people's homes searching for fat folk. The IRS would be specially trained to measure BMI (body mass index) and be even more intrusive into the public's lives.

I think a tax like this would have a good chance of passing through Congress because fat people don't employ lobbyists, they're too busy eating.

We might even employ Fat Police and have Fat Court.

Ultimately, if fat people are targeted enough they'll organize (in between courses) resistance groups like the Fat Liberation Front. Maybe they'll even have their own sitting army.

Choose your weapons. Choose your buffet. It's all about choice.

Son of Rambow- Review

As someone who listens to Virgin Radio , an English radio station from London, almost all the time, it is not unusual that I might be a mild anglophile. This w/b much different than a pedophile, or so I'm told.

I heard about this film on Virgin Radio and essentially it's about 2 little English boys that set out to make a child's version of First Blood.

It was very enjoyable but somewhat predictable. The characters were interesting and the story kept my attention.

I believe it's only playing in Art House type theaters.

It's a wonderful date movie, elderly people will like it, and it is amusing.

Consumer Marty gives it an 8 out of 10.

Living is Easy with Eyes Closed Misunderstanding All You See

This is a lyric from the wonderful Beatles song Strawberry Fields Forever.

I got to thinking about it as I've listened to it repeatedly on the Beatles Love album on my ipod.

The lyric strikes a chord (warning- pun) with me on so many different levels.

I'm curious what lyrics stick in your head (lyrics not voices- I had trouble making the distinction too).

Cirque du Work

Is your workplace a circus? Sometimes I think mine is. Only we don't have acrobats we have circus freaks. Not that there is anything wrong with being a circus freak.

Here are some of my freaks:

1. Compulsive Nosepicker- I think every office has at least one of these. This guys' fingers are always making their way to his nostrils. Sometimes, there is even some residue on his work product. That's at least understandable but I have to draw the line when someone uses pliers and an electric drill.

2. The Bearded Lady- We used to have two women with facial hair. One joined another circus. The one that remains once was sporting a moustache. She dyed it blonde. It made her look like Hulk Hogan.

3. The Giggler- This freak laughed at everything you said to him. When he talked, after every sentence, he would giggle. I think he either now works for a suicide hotline or has become a funeral director.

4. My Weekly Worker- We had someone that gave notice after a week. I think she had to work with freaks 1-3 above.

5. The Leprechaun- Someone was hired who was of small stature and bore a resemblance to the Lucky Charms leprechaun. He was taken seriously.

6. I'm Coming Out- Commenting on one's sexuality is a no no. Oftentimes one's sexual persuasion is obvious. But sometimes it's not. I'm told when this guy left he proclaimed "I'm leaving and I'm gay." Who cares? Just leave and don't let the door (or anything else) hit your ass on the way out.

I'm wondering if there are any I'm leaving out.

Acting Marty- Update

Presently, I'm writing a murder mystery script. I utilize Final Draft software for this and it is superb.

In June, I will begin rehearsals for a murder mystery where I play a transvestite or a transsexual. I'm not sure which at the moment. In any event, I have to get dressed up in drag.

I'm not sure if that w/b helpful for my social life.

Fun on Facebook

I think I'm starting to develop an appreciation for facebook.

I particularly enjoy the game applications. There are some I play on my own like Mind Jolt games and others where I play with others.

My favorite is Scrabulous. It enables me to connect with people who I don't see or speak to that often. If you're up for a game, please email me or contact me through facebook.

I also play blackjack and texas hold em poker. What's kind of nice is being able to sit down w/people from all over the world and play. With minor exceptions, politics doesn't enter into the game. So it's not unusual to see people from countries at war playing poker together w/o incident.

Maybe it's time to replace the United Nations w/Facebook.

Air Marty

Page D1 of the May 6, 2008 of the Wall Street Journal was a gold mine for my blog.

I have a multi-year suscription to the Journal and while I don't agree with many of their editorials, I enjoy the paper, Rupert Murdoch notwithstanding.

On this page D1, there was an article explaining how people are becoming more disgusting on flights, in particular stuff they are leaving behind in the seat pockets of the aircraft.

Personally, I am less repulsive on aircraft than in real life. I generally clean up after myself and don't leave any residue behind, like dirty diapers and the like. However, I appear to be out of step with the general public.

So from now on, I pledge to be more disgusting on aircraft. I will be using pliers to pick my nose, consuming garlic non-stop and breaking wind repeatedly.

What will you do to conform?

Walk on the Wild Side

I was just reading an article in the Wall Street Journal about sleepwalking.

Yes I know, I read medical journals for stock picks. It's all quite logical for me.

In any event, there are apparently sleeping pills which can cause you to sleepwalk. By sleepwalk, I don't just mean walking around while asleep. Apparently, people have been known to eat, make phone calls and even drive a car while asleep.

The article suggests that peanut butter is a "sleep-eating favorite."

In addition it suggests that if you're going to take a sleeping pill you might consider unplugging the phone and hiding your car keys.

I'm going to pay particular attention now for sleeping pill commercials on television. I'll listen intently for the side effects: may cause you to consume a box or Oreos, call overnight talk radio programs, and drive 40 miles per hour in the left lane on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Coke Zero

I work near Penn Station in Manhattan. Frequently, there are free samples of products being distributed in front of Penn Station. As a bonafide schnurra (cheapskate), I always take whatever it is they are distributing. Sometimes, I even get multiple quantities of whatever it is they are giving out. Even though I don't have a dog and don't need 6 cans of dog food I take it. I think I get a "free" rush of some sort. Perhaps with a little push, I could be a kleptomaniac. I'm always trying to set new goals.

Anyways, yesterday as I was going home walking past Penn Station, I got a free bottle of Coke Zero. Like it's name Coke Zero has no calories. As someone who doesn't drink much soda, soda is a novelty. I took a few gulps and found myself getting thirstier and thirstier. When I got home, I dumped out the "undrunk" soda. I was still incredibly thirsty. I finally doused my thirst with a glass of orange juice.

I guess it's fine not to have any calories. But G-d knows what all the ingredients are in there. And surely to make money, the product has to make you want more.

Consumer Marty gives Coke Zero a zero. If you're worried about the calories, drink water.

Out of Focus

Today, I was part of a focus group.

For those of you unfamiliar, a focus group is a group of people called upon to opine about something.

This group consisted of about 8 people and me. All of us were certified public accountants. Yes, strap yourself down, the excitement might be too great.

We were ushered into a room and were met by a "leader". I'm really not sure if leader is the right term. Anyways, the guy wouldn't tell us who his client was. My recollection was that I was told the client was the AICPA, the American Institue of Certified Public Accountants, when I was recruited for this. We were also told there were people behind the mirror watching us. I made a mental note not to pick my nose or pull or scratch anything.

At the beginning we went around the room introducing ourselves. "I've been a CPA for 32 years, have two kids and enjoy farting on alternate Thursdays." OK, I exaggerate a bit. I made a decision not to mention that I act in my spare time and have a blog where I post about things I do (or don't do).

The people speaking were so monotone and dull. I made a choice to be as outrageous as humanly possible. Besides, I had an audience behind the mirror to entertain. Firstly, I suggested that the AICPA should be like the Teamsters for CPAs. If Jimmy Hoffa would have been a CPA he would have been found by now. We watched a video about why International Accounting Standards should subsume US Accounting Standards (aka Generally Accepted Accounting Principles aka GAAP). zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Wake up, dammit! I suggested the video was promoting this by utilizing UK people w/cool accents. Lastly, I suggested the profession was failing to meet the expectation of the public which is why they keep getting sued. As the public thinks an audit shows there is no fraud, the audit techniques s/b upgraded to meet those expectations. That didn't sit well with some people but so be it.

Years ago, I graded CPA exams for the AICPA. It was a part-time job. You would get paid hourly based upon signing in/out on a sign-in sheet. The last time I did this, some asshole in charge of grading decided to have us punch a time clock instead. I raised my hand and asked him if he punched a time clock. I then asked if he thought we were any less professional than him. Needless to say, that was the last time I graded exams for the AICPA.

Greenport Weekend- Day 2

As I awoke at 5am, the TV was still on. I switched to AMC and was watching cowboy and Indian (not Bollywood) movies for several hours. I caught the end of a very early John Wayne movie. Then I watched a movie with Audie Murphy and Anne Bancroft as an Indian.

I showered and went to the free hotel continental breakfast. The concept of this hotel is to emulate European hotels. When you stay at a hotel in Europe, breakfast is usually included in the cost of the room. I had a slice of whole wheat bread w/peanut butter and jelly on it, green tea and orange juice.

About 9:30am, I walked all through the town of Greenport. The movie theatre, the Seaport Museum, and the Railroad Museum were all closed because "the season" had not started as yet. I decided to get in my car and drive on 25 West to the next town. I passed even more wineries. I stopped in the Duck Walk Winery and bought 3 bottles of their cheapest wine.

As it was about lunchtime, I had two slices of pizza at Pagano Pizza in Southold. I liked it. I then drove a little further west, then decided to return. Across the street from the hotel was the Ternhaven Winery. I tasted their wines and bought 2 bottles of something called Claret. I'm not sure what it is because I got buzzed again from the tasting. Anyways, the owner is retiring. I'm wondering if I should hold this wine for years to come, hoping it will increase in value. My family is very good at holding things. At some point our basement will be re-named "The Museum of Crap." I'm working on the application for non-profit status.

I then wandered into Greenport once again to scope out a place for dinner. I picked Claudio's, a seafood restaurant, as it has been in Greenport for years and mentioned in the AAA Guide. I made a reservation for 5pm.

When I arrived at Claudio's at 5pm, it was quite busy. I had New England Chowder, Stuffed Filet of Flounder and a glass of Chianti. The food was fine. My only complaint was that the vegetables accompanying the fish were salty. Inasmuch as Claudio seems to own a lot of Greenport my complaint is probably irrelevant.

After dinner I went back to the room and watched the Mets implode and the E Channel special Goldie & Kate (Goldie Hawn & Kate Hudson). When on vacation, I have plenty of time for mindless stuff like the E Channel.

My guess is I fell asleep somewhere after 10pm. If anything, I'm catching up on sleep here.

Greenport Weekend- Day 1

Inasmuch as I didn't set up a post-tax season vacation, I decided to get away for the weekend. I decided to go to the Greenporter Hotel in coincidentally Greenport NY. Greenport is on the eastern end of Long Island on the North Fork. It's about a 2hr drive from Brooklyn.

I left for Greenport about 2 pm Friday. On the way, I decided to stop at the Roanoke Vineyards on Sound Avenue to pick up a case of their De Rosa wine. It's a rose wine which I enjoy. They were nice enough to give me a taste of their merlot. I think I got a buzz from it. I stopped at 2 more wineries for no rational reason as my knowledge of wine is limited. At the Martha Clare winery I bought something called Cabernet Franc because they said it goes well with salmon. I eat a lot of salmon.

I arrived exhausted/buzzed at the Greenporter Hotel at 5pm. I moved up my dinner reservation to 6pm as I was famished. Between check-in and 6pm, I wandered into town for a bit but it was cold/nasty so I made my way back to the room. Dinner at the hotel restaurant was free with a Fri and Sat night stay. I had onion soup, salmon and some sort of strawberry dessert along w/a glass of white wine from Spain. The meal was superb.

I fell asleep at 8pm, woke up around midnight and went back to sleep again.