The Life of Marty - Take Two

Day 1- It's Flying Time Again

2008-07-23T22:47:00.002-04:00

I got up at 4:30AM for an 8AM flight out of JFK Airport in new yawk to San Juan, Puerto Rico. The car service taking me to the airport showed up a little after 5:30AM. The driver drove the car like he wasn't used to it, stepping on the brake inappropriately. I nearly got car sick.

I checked my bag at the curb and paid a $15 fee for checking that bag. That was new to me. It's always a mystery to me as to what food items will get through security. I had to gulp down my Poland Springs water but the bialy, banana and orange made it through.

It seems every time I fly there is always some new idiocy foisted on the public. Last time, it was having to pay for "food" on the plane. Now it's having to pay for baggage. I can't wait till they start charging to use the toilet on the plane. I will get my money's worth by bringing in plenty of stuff to read and not leaving for hours. I hope you're ready American Airlines.

At 9:05AM, the plane is still at the gate having returned for "maintenance." As my 8AM flight is still at the gate I turned on my cell phone. I rec'd an email from American Airlines informing me of the delay. The info in the email exceeds that told to us on the plane. That's stupid! Eventually, the info proves incorrect. Fortunately, check-in at the Intercontinental Hotel isn't till 4PM. So, I'm in no rush, other than I just want to get there. At 9:10AM we start to move. There's been no announcement yet as to when we will arrive. I only fly once or twice a year but with all the time wasted flying, it may make sense to drive to certain locations than fly. In one hour, I c/b in Central New Jersey. Unfortunately, driving to Puerto Rico is not an option.

The plane landed at 12:40PM. We were instructed to allow the passengers making (likely missing, cause of the 1 hr difference) connections to get off first. No problem for me. I let all these people get off, got to the baggage, and was out of the airport in 15 minutes. I got to the Intercontinental Hotel at 1:40PM. They wouldn't give me a room so I had to check my bags.

As I haven't been in the Isla Verde area of San Juan for years, I walked up and down Isla Verde Ave, scoping out the stores/restaurants and The Ritz-Carlton Hotel. It is opulent. I got a Comp Card at the Ritz-Carlton as well as the Intercontinental. I don't gamble enough to get any benefit, I just collect them.

I met up with my friend and her roommate for dinner at Mi Casita Restaurant. The food and price were excellent. But the service, not so good. Perhaps, we had the wrong waiter?

I then went back to the room and fell asleep watching the Met game on ESPN somewhere about 10PM.

Flying Right- I don't think so

2008-07-21T07:26:00.002-04:00

I just got back from Puerto Rico and will be posting a daily account of my activities over the next week.

However, I thought I would detail problems I had with American Airlines as well as flying in/out of JFK Airport in new yawk, first.

My flight out of JFK was to leave on July 13 at 8am. It left over an hour late (more to come about this). However, the worst part was the return. Flight 1692 of July 20left timely/even a couple of minutes early out of San Juan at approximately 4:50pm. It was a superb flight, we landed on the tarmac at JFK at 8:20pm. We did not get to a gate till 9:40pm. As a result, this flight is technically late in the bizarro world of American Airlines and JFK Airport as its scheduled arrival time is 9:15pm.

I think people would be able to deal with this if American Airlines wasn't run by schnurras (cheapskates). You at American Airlines charge for food in coach as well as a $15 per bag charge for checking luggage.

So we finally get to the gate and go down to the baggage claim. At 10:30pm, I had still not gotten my one bag. There were no announcements so a bunch of us piled into the American Airlines Baggage information unit where sat dumb, dumber and dumbest. They had no clue what was going on with the baggage. It took a supervisor of some sort to get off his fat ass and see what the problem was. Only then was an announcement forthcoming: "The plane's power went out." OK, geniuses at American Airlines, when the plane sits on the tarmac for over a fucking hour wasting fuel/power, why is this a surprise.

I did not get my one bag of luggage till 11:15pm.

So, it took me nearly as much time to get out of Kennedy Airport as it did to fly from San Juan to new yawk.

As nobody at American Airlines, JFK, the FAA or Congress seems to care, if you ae considering a vist to new yawk, avoid JFK as well as American Airlines.

It certainly appears that both JFK and American Airlines treat their passengers like shit.

Consumer Marty gives them both a zero for yesterday's fiasco.

Bad Chinese

2008-07-12T20:02:00.002-04:00

Today is my birthday and as a Jew the way we celebrate is to have dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

I'm not sure how the connection between Jews and Chinese food arose. My guess is it had something to do w/the cost.

My grandmother looked Chinese but she was from Russia. She was the type of person to send my grandfather to China for take-out (take-away).

Anyways, so my mother and I go to this restaurant in Queens that I selected. She orders Budda's Delight which is just vegetables. I order Chicken w/Garlic Sauce which is just a glob of brown sauce. No garlic died to be in this food. It was awful.

I had a coupon from Cold Stone Creamery for free ice cream on my birthday. That was dessert. That was good. I urge you all to go to the Cold Stone Creamery website and register for the birthday club. It's free.

Happy Birthday to me!

"Dress" Rehearsal

2008-07-10T09:24:00.002-04:00

One of the actresses was kind enough to get me a dress and shoes for my role as a transvestite.

I wore them for rehearsal.

Clearly, it takes some getting used to for a man in a dress and heels. It impacts your movement and thus your timing as an actor (or actress in this case).

Fortunately, I don't have to wear ladies' undergarments.

I really hope people don't try to look up my dress. Some w/b surprised, some might enjoy.

I just hope there are no admirers waiting outside the stage door after a performance.

11 cents (5.5p)

2008-07-07T23:42:00.002-04:00

Staples had a sale on folders, one cent each. So, I went to Staples and lo and behold they has 3 prongs inside.

I bought 10 folders. It was my only purchase.

My receipt was for 11 cents (1 cent tax).

I asked if that was the lowest sale of the day. It was.

It's ashame being cheap isn't an Olympic event.

Facebook Texas Cheat Em

2008-07-07T23:35:00.002-04:00

If you are on in charge of the Texas Hold Em Application on facebook, get your wagons in a circle and listen up.

The other night these two guys were passing chips back/forth and in my estimation colluding on their hands.

First, it's wrong to allow this. Second, who has to cheat at a game that has no monatery gain?

So, application person, stop these assholes from cheating. Second, you two lamebrains are pathetic cheating on a meaningless game.

I s/b embarrassed even blogging about it.

Bozo's dead

2008-07-04T15:23:00.004-04:00

http://www.charlottesvillenewsplex.tv/news/headlines/22874404.htmlThe guy who played Bozo and licensed the Bozo image has passed away.

I'm sad about this but somewhat curious.

There are a couple of things I'm wondering about. Are there two enormous tufts of red hair sticking out of the upper left and right sides of the casket? Are the giant shoes sticking out of the coffin?

I'm hoping someone can help me out with this. The suspense is killing me.

Transcostume

2008-07-04T08:40:00.002-04:00

As I'm playing the part of a transvestite, it is necessary for me to have a costume. That costume consists of ladies' clothing.

Now, as a straight male, it's a little difficult for me to go shopping for this stuff. Using the try-on room might be problematic.

One of the guys in the cast offered to go with me. Then, I would have to play a flaming gay in the shop.

Fortunately, a couple of the actresses were nice enough to go to Dress Barn for me.

And you think you have problems!

Stick It

2008-06-29T16:17:00.002-04:00

I get tons of solicitations from charitable organizations like the Sioux City Society to Preserve the Singing Gopher, Gays Against Interspecies Marriage, and Jews for Jerry Lewis. Virtually every one sends me return address labels w/my name/address on it.

Memo to charities: Please don't send me any more fuckin labels because I have enough till I croak.

Let's examine this a little further. Is the reason you send me a return address label because you think I'm too stupid to remember my own address? If that's the case, that would make me too stupid to write you out a check.

If I'm too stupid to write you out a check then it's pointless to even send me a solicitation.

Dunkin Marty

2008-06-29T11:11:00.002-04:00

Thursday, alongside Madison Square Garden was a basketball dunking competition of some sort. I would say most of the participants were teens or early 20s. There were 3baskets set up. One was 7 ft, one was 8 ft and one was 9 ft.

As I arrived to work early, I decided this was something I needed to do. I was dressed in my business casual work attire and asked to participate. There were some snickers. And one scholar reminded me I needed to dunk not take a jump shot.

Well, I surprised them. I dunked on the 7ft basket on my first try. My feeling is they should have awarded me more points as I was at least double the age of most of the participants.

Nonetheless, it was a wonderful way to start my pathetic day in the accounting office.

Municipal Bonds

2008-06-27T14:17:00.002-04:00

As I watch the stock market go down, down, down, I sit here in amazement at the stupidity.

For years, the financial community has told us to invest in stocks for the long term. Well surprise, surprise, surprise (think Jim Nabors in Gomer Pyle) stocks go down.

What is a certainty is death and taxes! You will die and you will always have to pay taxes.

Knowing that taxes are a certainty and may rise from current levels, it is my belief that everyone s/b purchasing zero coupon municipal bonds. In this way, you s/b able to retire.

I once read an article where financial guru, Suze Orman indicated her own portfolio was substantially invested in municipal bonds. Same thing with Ross Perot, who I believe is also a municipal bond devotee.

It pays to follow what rich people do with their own money but do check with your tax professional and/or financial advisor before investing in municipal bonds.

Unsafe Deposit

2008-06-26T06:46:00.002-04:00

I'd like to acknowledge Chase bank for substantially increasing their safe deposit rates. The fee for my box has gone from $45 to in excess of $80. So, I will be giving you the box back. Find another shmuck who will pay you that exorbitant fee for the smallest box possible.

This got me thinking. Do sperm banks have safe deposit boxes? So, maybe I can take all my stuff out of Chase and move it to a safe deposit box in a sperm bank? Maybe sperm banks just allow you to keep sperm in your safe deposit box? Some prolific guys may need large boxes or perhaps their sperm is in demand? Maybe the bank pays them to maintain the box.

I'm not sure I'd like to be the bank employee assigned to the safe deposit boxes in a sperm bank especially when it comes to shaking hands w/people after they've returned the contents of their box.

So many questions, so few answers.

Meet the Mets- 2008 version

2008-06-25T01:15:00.003-04:00

Tonight I was given a free ticket to see the Mets play baseball. I paid too much.
They lost 11-0 to the Seattle Mariners which many feel is the worst team in baseball.

OK, Fred and Jeff Wilpon, you got rid of Willie Randolph. Now what's the problem?
Your annual team payroll is, what $140 million a year?

Your team is awful.

As a lifelong Met fan, I deserve better.

So, I've got a solution. I want you both to take time out of your busy schedules and take 25 people out of a nursing home and put them on your roster in place of the 25 you have already there.

I think the result would have been similar to what I watched tonight.

Offensive Driving Class

2008-06-22T21:18:00.003-04:00

Every 3 years I have to take a defensive driving class to get a break on my auto insurance.

I took the class in Queens today as I had 3 yrs before. It is given by the AAA (Automobile Association of America) and well worth the $35.

It is quite boring and I had trouble staying awake early on. But I did learn a thing or two.

First, the proper way to hold the wheel is now 8 and 4. As a young whippersnapper, it was originally 10 and 2. I'm not sure why it's changed except maybe more Americans use their stomachs to steer nowadays.

Second, even though you can't sign your name on the attendance sheet in less than 10 minutes, you are still qualified to drive a 4000 pound vehicle.

Third, you respond to road rage by another driver by responding as if you're a gay man. So, when another driver calls you an asshole, your response s/b "Oh, I just love assholes" This should prevent further escalation and perhaps earn you a new friend.

Look for me out on the road.

What I'm Doing Now

2008-06-19T22:57:00.003-04:00

I'm in rehearsal to play a transvestite in a murder mystery show. It's not as easy as it sounds. As I don't know any transvestites that I'm aware of (I'm having a jdate flashback), there's really no one I can consult. I've just acquired the film "Glen or Glenda" where Ed Wood the Director plays himself, a transvestite. Hopefully that will be useful.

I'm also going to play a sleazeball in another production. This I have no problem with. It's for a weekend in August.

The last thing I'm doing is writing a murder mystery script. I've got about 10 pages written. But it is very funny.

The Wilpon Plantation At Shea Stadium

2008-06-19T22:43:00.002-04:00

Hello Massa Fred & Massa Jeff:

I's been a Met fan for a long time.

I's think you two assholes from Longuyland who have no respect for others.

You's treat my Brooklyn bro Willie Randolph like shit.

You not even take his phone calls.

You send your Jose Jimenez, Omar Minaya to fire him.

You's don't have the class to talk to Willie face to face.

You's 2 cowards.

Go fuck yourselves, Massa Fred Wilpon and Massa Jeff Wilpon.

Met Fan Marty

Noogies

2008-06-18T07:49:00.002-04:00

Ethan Mirenberg age 14 was suspended from Lynbrook High School in new yawk because of administering "noogies" to a teacher.

And the little darling has appealed the suspension.

A noogie is essentially pressing a closed fist into someone's scalp and moving your fist back and forth.

As a child, I never did find this pleasurable. Given a choice, I would probably have preferred a wedgie.

I can't imagine anyone who enjoys being the recipient of a noogie. That's essentially the argument against the suspension saying the teacher enjoyed noogies.

What a load of crap!

The little darling shouldn't be even touching the teacher let alone administering noogies to her.

I think Ethan needs to be punished. Perhaps a daily noogie administered each day to him for a year would suffice. Maybe Mike Tyson can be the one administering the noogie.

Don't Mess w/the Zohan- review

2008-06-15T20:07:00.002-04:00

For some reason film critics rarely ever give comedies their fair due.

I laughed at this film from beginning to end. I'm not sure that is a good thing as I have the mentality of a 12 yr old.

Nonetheless, if you've ever met an Israeli person in new yawk, know an Israeli person living in new yawk or are an Israeli person living in new yawk (well maybe if you are Israeli you'll find it less funny or not funny)you'll roar.

In my 12 years spent in Yeshivah, humor was just one of the things that Israelis were not known for.

In any event, there are lots of cameos from numerous comedic actors and actresses.

It's not Citizen Kane but it's a good laugh.

I can't wait till it becomes a Broadway musical with singing and dancing Arabs and Israelis. Perhaps, I can wait.

Consumer Marty gives it a 10- go see it!

Friday Night at the Toilet

2008-06-14T10:55:00.002-04:00

I took my mother out to dinner (at her request) to a local Italian restaurant (name available upon request).

I had some sort of veal with broccoli rabe and roasted potatoes. I also had a glass of "house red wine" as my knowledge of wines is limited.

As the meal ended, I felt some discomfort.

We stopped at a supermarket for some shopping. I went to the bank next door as she shopped. When I returned, I told her that we needed to leave asap as I had to use the bathroom.

Getting an elderly woman to step lively takes some doing. We checked out and she stopped by courtesy to argue over a price. I was busting but didn't want to argue. I had a 20 minute car ride home assuming no traffic on the Belt Parkway.

I am proud to say I made it home in time.

So, what was your Friday night like?

Immodium Cocktail

2008-06-11T00:57:00.002-04:00

As the population ages (not just me aging, I'm forever immature), the need for new products will multiply.

Old people need things like Immodium, Pepto Bismol, and Alka- Seltzer. However, it's not fun to take these things just by themselves. They need to be mixed w/alcoholic beverages to make them more fun.

Of course, I'm not a physician, a pharmacist, or even remotely intelligent. So, following my lead and actually drinking these things could result in death worse than from eating a tomato.

However assuming these medications could be tailored not to interact badly with alcohol, who wouldn't want a Vodka and Immodium cocktail? What would it be called?
Maybe, "Hold Tight". Or, what about an Ex Lax Colada? The "Go Forth?" Or, Pepto Bismol and Rum? "Mr. Pink?"

Don't tell me Annheuser Busch isn't at work on Fish Oil Beer? Omega 3 Light?

What combinations would you look forward to?

Not Jerry's Kids

2008-06-09T01:14:00.003-04:00

I have a disturbing (to others) appreciation for Jerry Lewis.

Today, I was helping out a friend by appearing in Jerry Lewis guise at a friend's function.

It was at least 90 degrees in new yawk and the location was not air conditioned. They just had overhead fans.

My friend was MCing the function and I was there to be the humor component.

Little did I realize that I was in a Jew free zone. I'm not sure these people could have been more gentile. They hated the Jerry Lewis character and combined w/the sweltering heat in the building, I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Memo to Marty: Know your audience.

Family Style Screwing

2008-06-06T19:59:00.002-04:00

All of us go to lunch/dinner w/friends once in awhile. Even I'm able to coax multiple homo sapiens to be seated at the same table w/me in a restaurant.

For those of you who have never seen me physically (consider yourselves fortunate), I'm not a very big man (or a bright man for that matter- Run Marty Run). I'm not a big eater nor do I ever order multiple quantities of any alcoholic beverage.

However, if I dine w/others, they may order additional food or drink. Notwithstanding, the bill is split evenly and I get screwed. If I say something about a reallocation of the bill, I am seen as being cheap (if you read this blog, you know I'm tighter than a drum). Then, I get screwed for being cheap.

So, effective immediately, I w/b planning for my next family style experience. I w/b scoping out the people who w/b there. Do they eat a lot? drink a lot? order extras to pad the bill recklessly? Once, this is determined, I will examine the menu in advance and plot out my expenses so I don't have to pay extra for someone else's excesses (even if it means taking food home).

Going forward I w/b the screwer as opposed to the screwee.

Fat or Pregnant

2008-06-06T16:22:00.002-04:00

Geoff Lloyd on the Geoff Show on Virgin Radio discussed this topic a couple of times on his wonderful programme. His eloquence is in sharp contrast to my ignorance.

There's this woman in my office, probably mid-30s. I'm not sure if she's pregnant or hitting the buffets in Atlantic City a little more often than normal.

You might ask why does this concern me. The reason is because every time some woman or someone's wife or gf is pregnant, I'm going to get hit up for a baby gift. At this point, I would have to have 30 kids to break even with all the gifts I've given. And while I consider myself prolific, I'm not sure it's fair to ask a significant other to give birth to 30 children just so I can get even on the baby gifts in the office.

Of course, the easy thing to do would be to ask the woman in the office if she's pregnant. The problems are multiple with that. I have sexual harrassment issues as well as common courtesy issues. If she's not pregnant, what do I say then? Howabout "I was asking because the last time you moved away from the window I thought it was a solar eclipse." No, that's probably wrong.

So, I will sit in my office pondering this question for 9 months and if nothing happens I'll know the answer.

9 months is a long time to wait though. Hope I don't slip.

What would you do?

Not So EZ Pass

2008-06-04T13:21:00.002-04:00

Some of the States allow motorists to obtain an "EZ Pass." This is a device you attach to your inside windshield. It allows you to pass through the tolls without having to pay cash. It is supposed to save energy allowing motorists to pass through tolls without delays and to save energy.

It works great in New Jersey. But not, new yawk.

A few days ago I was heading back from a tax seminar in White Plains. I had to utilize the Whitestone Bridge. There were at least 7 EZ pass lanes and maybe 2 cash lines. The EZ pass lanes had long waits while the cash people could sail right through. The reason is because the ez pass lanes are still gated. You have to stop at the gate, wait for the light to turn green and then proceed. This is yesterday's technology.

Why can't the assholes at the NYC Dept of Transportation ever do something intelligently? It also explains why they do roadwork on highways at 8am delaying people from getting to work timely.

It would really be nice if Mayor Mike Bloomberg would hold these fools accountable.

Crybaby review

2008-06-01T22:50:00.002-04:00

I saw the Broadway show Crybaby on Saturday. It is a show version of a John Waters film by coincidentally the same name.

I enjoyed it greatly as it seemed like a parody of Elvis films. The music was very Elvis-like too but somewhat repetitive. You should pay attention to the lyrics as there are some ingenious lyrics throughout.

One of my fav parts of the show was the dancing policemen. There's something incongruous as supposed macho policemen dancing around like _______________ (you fill in the blank).

Consumer Marty rates it an 8 out of 10.